It's Not About Me

As I sat in front of one of the sweetest people we have dealt with through this entire process, I had the heartbreaking realization (no pun intended) that this is not about me anymore! I keep saying - suck it up and get on your big girl pants. By the way, my pants are getting tight from all the chocolate deliveries in the past week - I'm certainly not complaining. In fact, I received a one-pound Reese's cup last week - how do you even begin to eat that???? It looks like a birthday cake sized Reese's cup.

ANYWAY. . .back on track. . .

Have you ever received news you didn't want to hear, and immediately following you just shut down and feel like you're in some tunnel with voices echoing around you. I almost picture myself sitting there shaking my head as if to clear something from my ears like I didn't hear this woman correctly when she told me I wouldn't be able to hold my baby for two to three days. WHAT???? I never signed up for that part, come to think of it, I never signed up for ANY OF THIS. How does a mommy just accept the fact that she can't hold her baby. The crazy thing was, in that moment, as I sat there dumbfounded crying, I looked up at Perry and he had tears in his eyes and he said those tears were for me, because at that moment he felt my sadness and I know it hurt him. I've always known how incredible my husband is, but at that moment we connected on a level far deeper than anything we've ever experienced. We know that we have to be strong for our baby, and we also know that we have to hold each other up. There is no doubt in my mind that we will do that.

I heard so many things I didn't want to hear today and I'm still processing what they mean: tubes, IV nutrition, 48-hours with no "ba-bas" or his favorite food (what we call "squishy, squishy squash"), blood pressure medication, pain medication, a three-day sedation, and the list goes on and on.

SO - we wait for tomorrow or maybe Thursday. . .