The Dreaded Question

It's strange how you feel like you have yourself together, and then IT HAPPENS - someone asks you the dreaded question - "how are you today?" or "how are you holding up?" I've never thought for a second that it was meant to be anything other than heartfelt or sincere - but it always crushes me to have to answer. I told Perry that today I just want to hide under a big rock!

I have a little time left on my lunch break so I thought I'd sit and write. It's funny how usually I'd be pouring myself into my work, but for the last week and a half I've felt so fuzzy, unfocused and forgetful. You can't make excuses at work though - you have to go on like nothing is wrong, smiling and nodding when you can feel tears welling up in your eyes, your heart in your throat and anxiety beyond anything you've ever felt. It's also funny how problems that once seemed so big have become so small, and I can't tell you how many times per day I want to tell people that the thing they're going off about is NOTHING compared to what is about to happen to my baby. Instead, I try to be the person that realizes that just because it's nothing to me, it might be the only "big" thing going on in their life right now.

Let me start by saying THANK YOU to everyone who has messaged, commented or e-mailed about how inspiring our story and our faith is - WARNING - I'm about to rock your world! TODAY, I'm not OK. I'm seeking God and channeling my faith but as the day to schedule my precious baby's surgery gets closer, the reality is starting to sink in. I'm ANGRY and SAD. I'm not writing to elicit sympathy from anyone, I'm sharing my feelings with the hope that this blog will either help someone else, or help me to find peace through writing out my feelings. I'm having trouble understanding the WHY. I felt like this a lot when we couldn't get pregnant. . .which leads me to my next point. I feel like I've already lived my "hell" in everything we had to do to get "Toopey" here, and I'm so mad that he has to go through any of this.

I made a promise to my baby when he was just a few days old that I recently had to break - which has been one of the hardest parts of all of this. I told him that I would never let anyone or anything hurt him. I never realized how bad breaking that promise would hurt me. You feel hopeless, like you should be able to do something to help your child, and I wish that I could be the one to go through the surgery.

So for our wonderful support system - you now know that I'm normal. I'm hurting and I'm angry and I'm trying to remain faithful. I find strength in your encouraging messages, the Bible verses and knowing that we have some pretty awesome prayer warriors pulling for us.