That's Not Exactly What I Meant

For those of you who know me, you know that I'm not exactly the most patient person in the world. I want what I want when I want it, and that's it. Thank God I found a man who isn't afraid to remind me that God is in control and gives me a reality check every now and then. I keep thinking we're going to wake up from this bad dream or that we'll be able to pull out a mousekatool to fix everything. So far, no such luck.

The wait from Thursday to this Tuesday or Wednesday has seemed like forever. In a few short days, we'll know our next steps and we'll be able to figure out if the doctors need clearer pictures, which means Coop will need an MRI  (he'll of course be put under). If the MRI is not necessary, we will  schedule surgery next week and begin preparing for whatever that means. I've watched Cooper over the last three days as we've played, and I CANNOT BELIEVE that he has something so serious wrong with him. I have guilt that we've missed a symptom or that we/I did something to cause this, but we have been assured that he had no symptoms (that we could physically see) and I of course was more careful than most from even before I was pregnant. Thank God Cooper has a wonderful pediatrician who was concerned by a clicking noise that she heard at his 4-month check-up. Cooper is growing beautifully, he goes after what he wants (like his momma), he loves playing at the park and he's super happy and smiley. He's even taken on a dinosaur noise - which I feel is God's reminder that he is STRONG - RAWR. I just don't understand.

So you know how you pray for things and the outcome seems slightly different than how you imagined it? A few days ago, I thought back to those trying times when we prayed and prayed and prayed for Coop (Toopey to momma and dada). I remember saying God, please bless us with a child and I promise I will make Your name known through him/her. So over the past few days, we have received cards, messages, facebook and blog posts, phone calls, e-mails and even people reading our blog (more than 900 views), and I can't help but think Cooper is making God's name known. I've made good on my promise, and I will continue to do so, I just didnt mean that something needed to be wrong with Coop to make that happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming God, just trying to find humor in the irony of the "that's now exactly what I meant."

Perry and I continue to be strong (for Cooper), and we will continue to rely on our faith. I have moments where I want to yell at God and/or lay on the floor and throw a tantrum like a 2 year old. I've shed a lot of tears and church was especially difficult yesterday - again, I had an incredible man by my side, his arm around me and even wiping away my tears. It's funny how you go from feeling incredibly blessed to asking God, "Why?" Ultimately, this is not about me or Perry, its about Cooper and we're going to be the strongest, most faithful momma and dada we can be for our baby.

SO, what can you do? Continue to pray. Thank God for Cooper, don't be mad at Him and put your faith in His wisdom, guidance and goodness. I have no doubt that this will be a long, hard road, but fortunately we are people of faith.