Although I had so much work to do today (grading papers, lecture preparation and creating my midterm) I also had such a fun day playing. We read through a few prayer books, I pulled out every book that makes noise just so I could watch Coop's face light up and his head tilt in confusion, we soaked the ENTIRE bathroom at bathtime with the huge waves we made with our boats and Coop's BIG BOY splashing :) It was such a fun day and I truly soaked in every little second with my baby.
I don't have anything in particular to write about, but I'm feeling the need for prayers. I know many of you are praying, have been praying and will continue to do so, but I have a special request for specific prayers this week (as if you aren't doing enough). I keep feeling my stomach sink and a lump form in my throat when I think about "surgery day." I've spent the last few months trying to take one step at a time or acting as if nothing was even wrong. Well now, almost exactly a week from surgery day, I can't deny what's going on in our little world. During our play today, I can't tell you how many times I thought "we won't be able to do this" or "Coop won't be able to do that." I count my blessings that we have medical insurance, great doctors, nurses and surgeons and that Coop's issue was found and will soon be taken care of, but that doesn't make my anxiety level decrease.
I'm one of those people that needs a little time to mentally prepare for something, so this evening I decided I was going to be a little proactive and "help" myself prepare. In doing so, I decided to google "infants after heart surgery" (DON'T DO THIS) because I wanted to see what I would see after Cooper's surgery. I'm not sure I've ever had the feeling I had the moment my search results loaded on the computer screen. My little baby - I can't believe that my little baby has to go through this. I'm at a place now where I'm just angry and confused and I want all this to just go away.
So I'm scared and I'm not as strong as everyone has been telling me I am, and I have a feeling that as this week goes on and next Monday gets closer, we'll need your prayers more than ever.
Pam,
ReplyDeleteNobody can say they know how YOU feel however, being a mom I can only imagine your fear & pain. Anytime a parent has to watch their baby go thru something that they have no control over is HARD! No doubt! As a mom, our job is to make all things better but in some cases we have to leave that to our FATHER in heaven. I pray that God will give you strenghth & peace through this storm that your family is experiencing @ this time. I know you are strong today, as I remember you being as a little girl. Don't ever feel guilty about being afraid for your baby (who wouldn't be). Always remember when Satan attacks us get down on your knees & pray. I, along with my church, will be praying for you & Coop! Lots of love & prayers! Mandy Crouse (Sherrard)